Nirbhayee bhava!

The chatter in my mind is endless,
listing contingency upon contingency,
dissecting one counterfactual after another,
whipping up a numb anxiety about
past, present and future.

I have to go to the bank tomorrow but I also have to do this paper by the afternoon and I need to make that phone call and if I don’t call by 10 the person will go and if I do call by then and go to the bank later I cannot give them the information that they need and if I don’t do that then, oh and when will I finish the paper, and darn, I also need to go to the tailor and Amma, my head is paining….

My head spins.
My heart becomes heavy.
My feat are leaden.
And I cannot face this moment.

You hold up your hand to me,
stilling my heart and saying,
don’t be afraid, I am here.

He wants me to do this but I don’t want to do it and if I say yes then it will be very hard and very boring and I am really not interested so it will be a very painful thing but if I say now that I won’t do it he may never ask me to do anything again and if that happens and no one else asks and if I don’t ever earn any money then what will happen to me when I am old and then anyway should I be in an old-age home or what should I do when I am old…. Amma, what will become of me?

My eyes cloud,
smarting with tears
I am afraid to shed
for time wasted.

You hold up your hand to me,
stilling my heart and saying,
don’t be afraid, I am here.

If they hear this happened they will say all sorts of things and then she will hear it and feel bad and then think I said them and if she thinks that then my relationship with her will be awkward and then it will be so odd to call her and then remember that person eight years ago and what happened to her in similar circumstances.. and by the way what did happen to those papers you were supposed to send… oh no, have I lost all those documents all over again?

My hands tremble.
My mind fogs up.
I cannot remember
anything clearly any more.

You hold up your hand to me,
stilling my heart and saying,
don’t be afraid, I am here.

In the abhaya mudra of your hand,
lie my sanity
and my otherwise misplaced
Present moment.

Saptami 2004

navaratri 2004